A Brief History
Obviously, your family line came across the Lady Atlantic on the ol’ Mayflower, because if not, you clearly wouldn’t be reading this.
Anyway, the pilgrims showed up in Massachusetts and changed the fate of the free world with their stern, stern mannerisms and their love for subject matter that would later lend itself well to films starring Winona Ryder and attractive leading men.
After much woe for fruitless crops and bitter laments about coming to the New World, which could not be assuaged with alcohol, the pilgrims finally got their act together with the help of the local Native Americans. And if something decent happened to the pilgrims, just like a good sorority girl, they liked to either stir up some meaningless drama (Hey there, Salem Witch Trials, thanks for popping in!) or, alternatively, throw a big ol’ theme party. This time, signs pointed to theme and the theme was “Thanks.”
So, the Indians, like Sydney Poitier and Katharine Houghton, came over to dinner. Thanks was given, and a holiday was created. But the important thing to remember is: the pilgrims won in the end.
Could they paint with all the colors of the wind? Guess what: they didn’t need to. As it turns out, a musket will shoot the color right out of the wind. Sure, the pilgrims fought dirtier than the bathroom floor in a roadside gas station, but they won. And they were thankful.
As General Patton would later articulate: “Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser.” Consider this statement, along with the first Thanksgiving, whenever you watch another product of the Northeastern United States: the 2007 New England Patriots. You’ll get a good general sense of how the Pilgrims-Indians struggle played out.
In short, we learned this little chestnut of American history: if you bring disease and firearms with you, and the other side brings corn and an inconvenient sense of proprietal entitlement, you will win.
Attire
Everyone appreciates others looking a little festive, in the sense that their clothing vaguely suggests a reserved, austere sense of a holiday possibly happening somewhere.
Thanksgiving is not Halloween, however. While here may be an outfit in the making for the lady pilgrims (cinch the black dress and it becomes a kicky shift, toss some pearls on, pair it with some patent pumps in the color of one’s choosing), no man should be dressed like a pilgrim on Thanksgiving, no matter what sort of PC Thanksgiving festival the elementary school is putting on. I mean, with the big ol’ buckles, the bucket-turned-upside-down hat with Quaker Oats hair, and all the black: this just really isn’t plausible. There’s no need to look like some emo scarecrow.
Of course, I fully support a jolly round of “Pin the Scarlet Letter on the Cousin of Dubious Morals.” This is just an outward expression of the hushed judgmental gossip that you will practice in earnest throughout the four-day weekend.
In true conservative fashion, however, the sweater is the best available option. Be careful with color selection: too bright a red or green, and you’re looking too Christmasy. Fortunately, the Christmas season started over a month ago, so you can play this off if you’re on your game.
What to Watch
Besides witnessing gluttony’s vengeful descent on the table as dinner is served, there are a few other things going on Thanksgiving Day. The Macy’s Day Parade is a conservative mainstay. Though any parade not solely devoted to single-minded patriotism is typically beneath conservatives, we must give thanks for Macy’s rampant consumerism and for its true embodiment of the American spirit: the ability to make giant balloons shaped like Garfield and fly them down the street.
Just think, at least you’re not at the Smithsonian looking at the Enola Gay! Who does that? Not me with my parents every year, that’s for sure.
After the parade, football comes on and it will be watched. Even if it’s the Lions playing the Bears, you have to suck it up because there is nothing more American than a competition that involves hitting people.
The Meal
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: “In the true Conservative tradition [...] every woman needs a tour of duty in the service of the home” (Miller “A Guide to Conservative Living” The Torch V. VI, Issue 8). National holidays are no time to be screwing with traditional gender roles. The lady (or her lady relative) cooks, the gentleman of the house carves the turkey with a massive electric carving knife. This is how the pilgrims intended it.
Here are a few more guidelines:
When shopping, you have two options in food selection: either place an outright ban on organic food, or shop exclusively at Whole Foods and mock appropriately. In the interest of the former, you have no obligation to feed and clothe those dirty hippies in their vicious cycle of not spraying kumquats with insecticide and then making clothes out of eggplant or whatever it is they do. For the latter, Whole Foods, despite its liberal propaganda, has some damn fine produce. If this presents a moral dilemma for you, just engage in a little playful banter. For instance, refer to the fence-free, preservative-free, Jim Morrison-listening turkey as the “Happy Turkey” or the “Memorial Lynyrd Skynyrd Free Bird.” Trust me, “Happy Turkey” tastes great.
Speaking of the bird, it should be oven-roasted until it reaches the golden brown luster of high-end bourbon. It is never deep-fried. There’s a reason that those deep-fryers are always spontaneously combusting and it is because Fate does not approve of deep-fried turkey. So, remember: turkey equals oven. The one exception to this, of course, is the spit. If you are so inclined, hire two small neighborhood children—or, don’t hire, blackmail works—to roast your bird over an open fire. Not like that.
When choosing appropriate accompanying dishes for the meal, look to the fall color palate of Ralph Lauren (feel free to insert your favorite retailer here), and match accordingly. Creamed cauliflower, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes with gravy, candied sweet potatoes…the major colors are covered. Should you be tasked with cooking the meal, remember to pick one dish that your least favorite relative in attendance loathes, and display it prominently, waxing on and on about how much labor you put into it, and insisting he or she have seconds.
Dessert, of course, is critical because of three little letters: P-I-E. Appropriately, “pie” means “foot” in Spanish because pie is how Thanksgiving dessert kicks ass. I’m personally an advocate of pumpkin pie, especially fresh pumpkin pie, because a former jack-o-lantern is yet another opportunity to eat something that once “had a face,” as our friends to Left often say.
Surely some family member will wax on and on to some small cousin about all the pies, and how they’ll be baked to the sky, and way up high and all of that; if this occurs just remember this alternative verse: “Hey, let’s go get drunk and make out with a guy.” This is, naturally, not to be spoken aloud, but to be savored internally, so you can achieve the proper self-assured smirk that befits any true conservative.
awesome article...keep me posted!
Posted by: mrs fruin | November 28, 2007 at 07:24 PM