The Conservative's Guide to Gainful Summer Employment

As of late, a fair share of the Torch staff has been on the Oregon Trail of summer internships, ever inching towards Portland, dropping Snake-Bitten Sarah among the buffalo when they need to.

Because your parents will likely live forever, luring your tax dollar out of Social Security until you begin to sound like the church mice in Robin Hood or a Dickens character, your inheritance will be delayed longer than you think. Thus, sadly, you must work. To find that gainful employment, however, you must sack up and work during the summer. Let me take you on a sweet journey.

Our love will light the way: Choosing an Appropriate Career Field!
Before I can poke you with some brass tacks, we must discuss what you’re planning on doing with your life, gentle reader. This decision strikes at the core of who you are and how wealthy you will be; in the end, of course, you may get lucky and stumble upon the end of a rainbow and some gold, but I’m preparing you for the certainties of life, you see.

Diamonds Are Forever, They Won’t Leave in the Night: The Financial Internship
Do you hate your fellow man? Would you wear a shirt with the phrase “Victory or Death” printed on the back? Investment banking sounds like your calling from above. Pomade, cashmere, and the blood of thousands await!

When interviewing for a position here, you face a rigorous competition that will likely test your will to live. These types of questions are often asked: “How many Delta Airlines flights are taking off this hour in the United States?” “If a train leaves from Miami at the same time a bus leaves from Santa Fe, how many Jewish people are aboard?” “How many games will the Phoenix Suns win in 2016?”

The culture of the company often is mentioned as well in these types of these interviews. All you really need to know about the culture is that you will someday work 120 hours a week, crammed into tiny office spending so much time with Microsoft Excel that you speak to the program as though it will respond (and sometimes, it will).

The Man Who Sold the World: The Congressional Internship
Each summer, thousands of college students descend on Washington D.C. like a terrible plague of leggings-clad locusts, going on that new confangled Facespace, and singing chants about Reeboks with the straps.

The storied tradition of the Congressional internship offers all the prestige without any requirement for an ounce of intellectual labor. You will spend your meaningless days of listening to the androgynous sounding smokers of America berating you about legislation alternatively praying for warmth because air conditioning revels subatomic temperatures. Of course, you will develop a split personality because the Congressional internship is also beleaguered by 100-degree heat and 9,000% humidity that destroy your will to live as you stand in line at Cosi or Chipotle. Of course, none of this will really matter, because in the early evening, you will inadvertently have sex when 600 people attempt to fit into a square-foot aboard the Washington Metro system.

Anyway, your days of constituency services will harden you against the pleas of the masses in an appropriate fashion. Look forward to developing a strong sense for the glory of the Washingtonian establishment that never accomplishes anything.

Other Worthless Pursuits
Oh, English major, you may ponder “Where will my degree take me?” some nights. But I most certainly know! It will take you to a special place, a place where you can continue to be deeply troubled by the paradoxical sexual connotations of John Donne’s Holy Sonnets – a cardboard box from which you can turn tricks. Deeply troubling tricks.

Never fear, however, there are additional options. Fraulein Maria married a strapping gentleman with family values and military experience right out of the abbey through the majesty of song. Or, if you’d prefer the street corner to the corner confessional, Julia Roberts won over America with her hart of gold.

Allow me to let you in on a little pattern here: a wealthy man with distinguished gray hair is usually involved. The process of meeting a stately gentleman will only be expedited in the financial, legal or legislative worlds. In the meantime, however, at least go for the employee discount at J. Crew this summer.

Baby’s Got Her Blue Jeans On: Proper Attire!
In every city, but particularly Washington D.C., two diverse groups of college students arrive to carry on the long standing feud between people who dress with the timeless style their parents dressed with and the liberals, who dress with the timeless style of wandering into a closet, closing their eyes, spinning several times, choosing the nearest cloth item, and then throwing some ill-advised accessories on it. These two styles enact an epic battle reminiscent of the Cold War, in that often times, you find yourself wishing it were cold so people would put an appropriate shirt on.

Appropriate shirts are often where the Maginot Line of “Cross Your T’s: Looking Hot on Casual Friday Without Looking Like a Ho” is drawn. Avoid halter tops like Satan, John Milton, and Milton’s Satan. Flip-flops, never appropriate, often parade around to the shame of many—a true conservative would never be caught without a pair of peep-toe pumps or the right type of dress shoes, if you are a gentleman.

She Made Us Drinks, To Drink, We Drunk ‘Em, Got Drunk: Networking Techniques!
In the end, your university experience is really just one large game of strategic roulette, in which you must analyze the social sphere and judiciously select those who will ascend the throne of society. The important thing, of course, is that you always maintain a congenial distance; this way, they’ll remember the great parties you orchestrated, or the excellence by which you performed on your economics homework sets, and not your predilection for sharing symbolism from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Also, remember to befriend a few ladies of the loose persuasion, especially if you’re at a fine institution like Vanderbilt where the MRS program has been strong for centuries. You will not believe how often these lovely dames will marry extremely well.

Throwing Some D’s: Bribery and You!
Sometimes, the world gets a little disgruntled with you, and thus ceases and desists kowtowing to your immense and precise will. As awfully difficult as this sort of slump may seem, we of the conservative lineage have other options available to us, at a variety of levels of employment. At the basest mean, there’s nothing a lonely interviewer who spends their time traveling the continental 48, living out of a suitcase, and speaking to twenty-something after twenty-something appreciates than a pretty penny in the coffers.

Revenge – It's a Kiss, This Time I Won't Miss: More Drastic Means!
Other times, things take a turn for the worse, and it becomes necessary to prune the family a tree a little to prevent storm damage to the house, if you will. The winners of those annual Thanksgiving parlor games of “Pin the Scarlet Letter on the Cousin of Dubious Morals” are certainly up for a little gentle blackmail. If it comes to more drastic means, well, so be it.

D.C. to Maryland! C'mon and Raise Up. Take Your Shirt Off, and Twist It 'Round Yo Hand, Spin It Like a Helicopter: Choosing the Proper Location!
If you have heeded my advice above, you must be aware that there are only two cities appropriate to your career fields: Gotham and Our Nation’s Glorious Capital. Obviously, any conservative loves the South and parts of New England like the English loves the monarchy: as though every glorious, fabulous thing they’ve ever thought about anything sprang from the heads of someone wearing a crown. If neither one of these cities is available to you, you may just want to give up now.

What We Have Made Is Real, We Are in Xanadu: Concluding Thoughts!
Conservatives never fail. I’m not saying this as a broad generalization; I am commanding you not to fail. We have a banner to uphold, a banner that is stately navy, burgundy, and cream and would probably look good with a sword. Work this summer, make thy connections in life, and be fruitful in your pursuits for world domination.