The Conservative's Guide to St. Valentine's Day

A Brief History of St. Valentine’s Day: The Story of St. Valentine, The Story of American Consumerism

A while back, St. Valentine was martyred February 14. Evidently, he was martyred for events that had nothing at all to do with any kind of romance. Yes, much like Fergie’s dominance over our souls or Sly Stallone’s endorsement of John McCain, the assignation of the romantic connotation to Valentine’s Day was a completely arbitrary decision. So how did we get to where we are, in Cupid’s wind-tunnel vacuum?

It begins with Geoffrey Chaucer. Because Geoffrey had market control over all non-Biblical writing for the five-century duration of his life, he was, of course, the first one to write something concerning the hot, hot loving aspect of Valentine’s Day. Largely inspired by the story of a poor jousting imposter who resembled Heath Ledger, Chaucer alluded to the engagement of Richard II and Queen Anne occurring on Valentine’s Day. If “Richard II” is any indication, the exchange between the fourteen year-olds was all up in emo, teen angst territory, setting the tone for centuries of Valentine’s Days to come.

But something was missing. Something of big, garish proportion, something of cutthroat capitalism—something American.

Enter Esther Howland, that veritable mistress of the free market, who shrewdly recognized the most fatal flaw of society in 1847: sentimentality. She exploited it time and time again, raping and pillaging those who stood in her way, embodying the idea that little girls were, as Miranda Lambert would later inform us, made of “gunpowder and lead.” Her saucy Victorian greeting cards jumpstarted the American industry of card buying, calling on the wee inner-tiger of rampant consumerism and capitalist marketing innate to all Americans. Unfortunately, her revolution would ultimately force upon us the terror that walks among us: Hallmark.

In the worst kind of Cold War-type match up ever (the kind that makes sane people back away slowly in fear repeat “No…no, no, no” as though Hillary Clinton had just entered the room), Hallmark likely bred the prevalence of Eve Ensler’s “Vagina Monologues” on college campuses on Valentine’s Day. While the presence of “chocolate vaginas” is enough to drive a conservative to the proverbial brink, it has nothing to do with our “close-mindedness.” Let me put it this way, if they sold “chocolate ears” on Valentine’s Day everyone would be like, “Ew, is this some kind of surrealist Willy Wonka game they’re playing with Van Gogh’s legacy?” Chocolate anything, other than pure Godiva dark chocolates and high-end Easter bunnies, is just inappropriate.

Guidelines for Valentine’s Day Behavior:
Sadistic Mind Games of Relative Social Perception
Let me share with you “The Parable of the Erstwhile, Yet Inept Wooer.” Our protagonist, Winston, constructed a comprehensive Valentine’s Day involving hot chocolate and a winter evening picnic setting. Charming. Unfortunately for young Winston, the best friend of his lady, Virginia, was treated with an elaborate manifestation of a cliché befitting the princess of a small Scandinavian. Following a rapid highly animated series of texts between Miss Virginia and her friend, Winston went home alone that night. Poor Winston. Remember, it in no way depends on what you do for your paramour, but what you do compared to mutual acquaintances in your social set. Act accordingly.

Elaborate Manifestations of Clichés & The Ill-Advised Engagement
Similarly to waxing eloquently on a topic with the steady guidance of a tried and true stereotype, sometimes what everyone assumes just fits the bill, so to speak. Roses, chocolate and the accompanying game of Mystery Date trying to figure out which little Godiva confection is filled with that damn cherry liqueur, candy hearts, and frighteningly trite cards are all part of the conservative ritual.

The one elaborate manifestation that should never, ever be employed is what I like to call “The Jagged Edge (Remix) Corollary.” February 14 may seem like an alluring date to pounce into betrothal but, dear reader, beware the Valentine’s proposal. Look, you are setting enormous standards for yourself that are completely unnecessary, like promising to balance the federal budget in the next month, or saying the Washington Wizards will win the NBA finals. Avoid this at all costs; don’t ask, don’t say yes, just stay out of the marrying zone.

The Short Treatise on Conservative Courtship
When wooing, remember: you’re either building or continuing a dynasty here—you don’t want somebody looking back on your sordid romantic past and exploiting it. Alexis Carrington could hoodwink you if you’re not careful, jet off to Acapulco following your nasty divorce, and then wreak horrible havoc upon you during a corporate merger and/or murder trial later in life. So, here, take a little advice from ol’ Kitty on how to tastefully develop your marriage. Let me make you a match.

Potential Places to Meet a Conservative:
Sometimes, conservatives lament the dearth of tasteful locations to find a companero, but really, they’re just not looking hard enough. Here are a few surefire locations: the kitchen, a gala with an issue relating to firearms, the Communion line, pelting Hillary Clinton with iced-over snowballs, any location pomade is sold.

The Conservative Gentleman Caller
A conservative always calls. Well, unless, you’re lacking in either looks or personality. I’d like to say morals as well, but he’s probably leaving you a message right now if you lack moral standards.

No, no, I jest (…not really). A lady should always be looking for The Trifecta: a sturdy moral foundation, Reagan hair, and a generous trust fund. This trifecta sometimes breeds a disease whose outward symptoms are commonly referred to as Pompous Ass Syndrome, but, again, the symptoms are outwardly visible, and the right kind of girl with a discerning eye and an Emily Post book at hand should be able to decipher them.

The Conservative Lady Friend: A Few Social Guidelines
We all know a woman should be tasteful, charming, and graceful—much like the patron saint of conservatives, First Lady Laura Bush. Sometimes, however, it’s a little difficult to parse out who’s a true conservative and who isn’t, without the aid of a wee litmus test. Like this one:

As a friend once told me, “You can never trust a woman on abortion.” This, of course, was in response to Harriet Miers’s nomination; little did he know, we could barely trust Harriet to remember what time it was or apply her makeup correctly.

Gay marriage? Again another issue a conservative woman is firm on; she already has to compete for the next five decades with other women—imagine if she had to compete with other men. Absolute mayhem.

Be mindful, however, when addressing capital punishment—a lady inclined to write “Hang ‘Em High” on a cupcake might also be willing to put those marksmanship skills to use, or worse: remark in a similar manner to a divorce attorney.

Finally, if you’re judging a woman on her stem cell policy, you’re probably an engineer and you probably spend a lot of time watching “The Wire” by yourself on Friday nights.