The Vanderbilt Torch

Rebuilding the Party

As the country knows too well, a majestic cornucopia of factors contributed to the epic fail known as the 2008 election for the GOP and conservative movement. While the GOP’s lack of ideological cohesion may chief among these outside Barack Obama’s terrific allure, we also bore witness to the mass media, Web 2.0 juggernaut propelling the Obama campaign into pop culture phenomenon. Now, the President-Elect will deliver his weekly address via streaming video on YouTube. While substance and message can't be forsaken, conservatives must advance in terms of style and medium to compete effectively.

Sarah Palin: Love Lockdown.

Like she does, Nancy Sinatra imparted some wisdom unto us all in 1967: “You only live twice ... one life for yourself, and one for your dreams.” Sarah Palin, the conservative folk hero, will live twice. Our current Palin remains raw and imperfect, yet dazzling; the Palin of 2012 could very well be a titan.

Over the weekend, an anonymous McCain campaign staffer derided Palin to Politico’s Ben Smith as “a diva. She takes no advice from anyone…she is playing for her own future and sees herself as the next leader of the party. Remember: divas trust only unto themselves."

Curiously, Palin has succeeded largely since she reportedly began evading her Bush handlers following the burial of the dead known as the Katie Couric interview. But, more importantly, our anonymous chap fails to recognize one inalienable truth: Sarah Palin is the future of the party.

The Conservative's Guide to the End of the World

It appears the end times are upon us. Wall Street’s bleeding faster than a wolf Sarah Palin shot from a helicopter, the average Nashvillian has turned into Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood just for a gallon of gas, and Vandy actually beat Auburn. Besides, the terrible, terrible rise of the Jonas Brothers may well have been Satan galloping towards us wearing a skinny tie and Dan Humphrey vest.

Should we have known better? It seems if you loan sketchy individuals money, there is a mild to moderate chance they will not pay you back. Who could ever have anticipated that particular economic development?

But, more importantly, what does the future hold? Well, call me a gypsy wench and toss me a deck of tarot cards and all of the both fashionable and functional outfits Jane Seymour wears in Live and Let Die because, dear conservative brethren, I will now foretell America’s future.

Non-Required Reading

Those who have noted the oblique attempts to change campus culture by way of the Commons finally have some source material: “The Book 2008.”

“The Book,” distributed to all freshmen before classes, combined information pertinent to the hundred years of orientation (a schedule, a map, etc.) with the curriculum for Vanderbilt Visions—67 essays by administrators, professors, and students aimed at covering the “mosaic” of Vanderbilt Dean Frank Wcislo discusses.

Freshmen have claimed they read nary a word of The Book, excepting the schedule of events for orientation. But, during orientation everybody at least nervously flips through something like “The Book.” Regardless, since the essays will serve as curriculum for Visions, they will be read eventually. And when they do, they will likely have been integrated more fully into campus life and culture.

The Conservative's Guide to Gainful Summer Employment

As of late, a fair share of the Torch staff has been on the Oregon Trail of summer internships, ever inching towards Portland, dropping Snake-Bitten Sarah among the buffalo when they need to.

Because your parents will likely live forever, luring your tax dollar out of Social Security until you begin to sound like the church mice in Robin Hood or a Dickens character, your inheritance will be delayed longer than you think. Thus, sadly, you must work. To find that gainful employment, however, you must sack up and work during the summer. Let me take you on a sweet journey.

The Conservative's Guide to St. Valentine's Day

A Brief History of St. Valentine’s Day: The Story of St. Valentine, The Story of American Consumerism

A while back, St. Valentine was martyred February 14. Evidently, he was martyred for events that had nothing at all to do with any kind of romance. Yes, much like Fergie’s dominance over our souls or Sly Stallone’s endorsement of John McCain, the assignation of the romantic connotation to Valentine’s Day was a completely arbitrary decision. So how did we get to where we are, in Cupid’s wind-tunnel vacuum?

The Conservative's Guide to Becoming the GOP Nominee

The Requirement
Let me begin by clarifying something: if you are not a gentleman, you are not qualified to be the president of our glorious nation. And when I use the term “gentleman,” I refer not to an elite class of men defined by honor and chivalry, I mean that women will just have to set their sights a bit lower. To put it delicately, sometimes the Constitution remarks to the Magna Carta, “I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain’t one.” 

If you are a woman, don’t despair, you can certainly marry a president—or at the very least, have a torrid affair with one (For further reading, see the upcoming “The Conservative’s Guide to St. Valentine’s Day”).

Giving of Thanks: The Conservative's Guide to Thanksgiving

A Brief History
Obviously, your family line came across the Lady Atlantic on the ol’ Mayflower, because if not, you clearly wouldn’t be reading this.

Anyway, the pilgrims showed up in Massachusetts and changed the fate of the free world with their stern, stern mannerisms and their love for subject matter that would later lend itself well to films starring Winona Ryder and attractive leading men. 

Saucy Crosstalk: Democratic Debate

Hey, it’s October of the year before an election, and you all know what that means: it’s time for the 427th Democratic Primary Debate! Here’s the transcript of what went down. Keep in mind, everything here was actually said by the person saying it…not quite in this order, but whatever. That’s right…go ‘head on and break ‘em off wit’ a lil’ preview of the REMIX.

MR. RUSSERT: Good evening, and welcome. We have some big issues to talk about tonight, so let's start right now. Governor Richardson, would you make a solemn commitment to the American people that Iran will not become a nuclear power?

GOV. RICHARDSON: Are you asking me because I'm the Hispanic here?

SEN. CLINTON: Yes.

Torch Comic: Ronald Reagan! in THE NIGHT OF THE PRIUS!

Watch as Ronald Reagan! takes on La Madame, Tits Magee, an anime John Edwards and fights the DNC Hall of Doom's plan to make us all drive Priuses. Yes, Priuses. It's a full length comic and it is prepared to do things that few comics have done before.

See it here.